Crossing the line.

Mama’s new job was at an electrical company, working as a secretary.  I”m sure she was turning a lot of heads the first day she arrived. She had that way about her everywhere she went. She was friendly and charming and  her good looks all put together, was dangerous.  She  loved her job and all the attention .  I would still leave her lipstick painted messages on her mirror and made sure her shoes were in order. Spent my time playing football , baseball , basketball, riding dirt bikes and horses.. I was a tomboy if ever were and could take a hit.  I could be gone for days and no body seemed to notice. I was playing hard and running wild, and I liked  it.

Mama was having a good time too it seemed. She had become real fond of a man she worked with.  He was eleven years younger than her, and at the time she was only 34 . Age don’t matter much at first, but when you start adding on years it starts to then.             Their fondness for each other turned full blown affair in no time at all.  At first, I would have to go with her on their dates. Which were not as much dates as make out sessions.   Every time daddy jumped on us, she would make us go with her for a while til he cooled down. We were in danger with him.  He took his anger out that way.  I never understood why they stayed together and why we had to live like that. My sister said that back then women didn’t make enough money to be able to make it alone, much less with two children and Daddy got a monthly pension from being disabled in the war. That gave her the security she needed, and a full time babysitter too.  I’m sure she thought it was her only choice and she had no other option.  But she made her way out, it was my sister and I that had to live with all the crap. I haven’t decided yet who was harmed more , my sister or myself. It would  affect us both in much different ways.  Maybe because of our different personality’s , or maybe it caused us to have such different personalities.  My sister had to take on the responsibility of a baby when she was just starting school.  She  kept me safe when we were left for hours .  She had to grow up fast , and I never grew up. She new what was going on was wrong and it made her mad. I didn’t know we were abandoned at the store, I just thought we were out having a good time, just me and her. So I  was better off in that aspect but what I remember more about was being hurt and confused about why.  We both suffered in different ways but one way was as bad as the other.

Mama would drive around to the back of the shopping center and park where the dumpsters were.  Then soon after, he would come pulling up and park beside her. We’d get out of her car and get into his. I liked mama’s car much better, but his had bigger seats in it . I’d lay down facing the back so I didn’t have to watch and just wait. I would have to pee so bad, will they ever get finished I wondered.  to keep from peeing in my pants, I’d lay cross ways and put my legs up the back of the seat trying to hold it in. I couldn’t stop it sometimes and just let it go , tears streaming down my face. I was so ashamed.  Then lay there in my pee soaked clothes until they were finished and then I’d try every way I could to get in mama’s car before they saw I had pee’d everywhere. We’d get home and I’d run for the bathroom hoping no one would see.  I spent a lot of time in the back seat of that car, and can’t tell you how much I dreaded it.  I guess I didn’t know how to go squat behind that dumpster…

I suppose all the sneaking around and those nights parked in front of a dumpster, wasn’t as romantic as it used to be. So mama made the decision to just let him move in with us. I know it was hard even for me to believe,  however I couldn’t help but feel  grateful  that I I didn’t have to go parking anymore. But I did mind having to share our bedroom with him. They needed privacy and so did I. It was worse than that back seat had ever been. But there we all were one big unhappy family . And how could daddy have stood for it anyway.  I couldn’t decide what was crazier.. mama moving her boyfriend into our house . or was it more crazy that daddy let her do it.  I’ve not figured that out yet.  He got drunk  a lot, and mama got drunk a lot, then he would get my sister and I drunk .  He really thought it was a fun thing to do.  I remember the room spinning and throwing up red wine all over the walls.  Then I had to clean it up.   I was his own personal bartender , and I’d better fix them right . After bringing his drink,   He’d pull open my shirt,  and say ” are you growing any boobs yet ? “and then was the  ” my God, you’re ugly”  he’d told me repeatedly.   I believed it too. I felt ugly and he made me feel dumb and worthless . I think his words hurt me worse than any beating I ever got.

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